Revenge Gone Totally Wrong
by Do Me Malfoy
Summary: Draco's lands the trio in detention...AGAIN. This time, they aren't letting him slip by so easily! Harry suggests shipping him off first-class to Voldemort, leopard print thongs, unknown snoggers, and more!
1. Leopard Print Thongs

A/N: This is a new and improved version of my old fic "A Potions Disaster". The idea of angry!Harry was taken from OOTP with a little inspiration from Cassandra Claire and her ficlet "A Lot to Be Upset About", so I give most of the credit to her for the brilliant idea. *Please R/R!* Enjoy!  
  
Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling therefore I do not own any of these characters. I have a mortal fear of lawyers, so please don't sue me!  
  
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"Revenge Gone Totally Wrong"  
  
*Chapter One*  
  
It was just like any other Wednesday at Hogwarts.  
  
Well, almost.  
  
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M ACTING A BIT OFF TODAY, RON?" Harry half yelled at Ron's face. The whole corridor seemed to hush down to hear what was going on. Ron's face was turning red.  
  
"Well, uh," stammered Ron, "turning a poor turtle into a, uh-- into an-- er...undergarment and then wearing it on your head and dancing on the table tops isn't exactly the normal you," he said nervously.  
  
"EXPLAIN YOURSELF, WOMAN," boomed Harry.  
  
"Harry--he's a man," corrected Hermione fidgeting and looking around at all the people who were gathered around them now.  
  
"Well, see, uh...um," stammered Ron.  
  
"I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU, RON."  
  
A cold, drawling voice came from behind Harry. "What he's trying to say," explained Draco Malfoy--nemesis of the trio since their first year, "is that you turned the thing into a leopard print THONG." Two giant figures loomed behind Draco. They were none other than his bodyguards, Crabbe and Goyle, who snickered at Draco's comment.  
  
"I DID NOT," demanded Harry giving Draco a harsh shove. A buzz of whispering voices arose in the corridors.  
  
"Yes you did, Harry Potty, and you and your friends know it," said Draco, giving a shove back.  
  
"Leave poor Harry alone!" said Hermione. "He's been through a lot more than any of us ever have!"  
  
Crabbe and Goyle cracked their knuckles menacingly.  
  
"Hush up you filthy Mudblood," snarled Draco, towering over Hermione.  
  
"You did not just call me that," Hermione said her face quickly turning red, her eyes glaring at Draco's.  
  
"Actually," Ron said, "I think he did, 'Mione."  
  
"Stay out of this, Ron!" Hermione snapped and pointed her wand at Draco's throat in one swift movement.  
  
"Stop right there, Miss Granger," came a familiar but horrible voice when Crabbe and Goyle were about to attack.  
  
"Professor Snape, Granger here was threatening me," Draco said smirking at Hermione.  
  
"I know that you fool, I have eyes, too," Snape snapped. "You four will serve detention Friday after lunch."  
  
"But--," started Hermione but stopped whenRon gave her nudge with his elbow.  
  
Snape strided back into his classroom with a satisfied smirk on his face.  
  
"THANKS A LOT, MALFOY," bellowed Harry.  
  
"My pleasure," he said. "Well, I'll be seeing you three in detention on Friday then," he said cheerfully and left.  
  
* * *  
  
Hermione was going overboard in the common room. "I can't believe this. I still have five and a half scrolls of parchment left to write for Professor McGonagall! I need more than just two days to finish it!"  
  
"Hermione," Ron started, not moved at all. "That's extra credit, which means you don't have to finish it."  
  
"But that's besides the point!" Hermione said quickly, slamming her book down on the table.  
  
"STUPID MALFOY. STUPID SNAPE," muttered Harry.  
  
"I can't stand that git," said Ron. "We've got to find a way to get him back."  
  
There was a silence as the trio was thinking.  
  
"Let's see, feeding Malfoy to the thestrals won't work...paying Peeves to kill him? Nah," contemplated Ron. "Too risky."  
  
"SHIP HIM OFF FIRST-CLASS TO LORD VOLDEMORT," bellowed Harry triumphantly. Hermione winced at the sound of the name being spoken so loudly.  
  
Ron and Hermione exchanged looks.  
  
"FINE. DON'T LISTEN TO MY IDEAS. NO ONE EVER DOES ANYWAY," Harry said glumly.  
  
A few moments later, a broad smile came across Hermione's face.  
  
"I've got it!" she exclaimed. 


	2. I Hate Raisins

A/N: To answer that question about "Harry's weird behavior": If you have read OOTP, you will have seen the very angry side of Harry and his tendency to USE ALL CAPS when he is mad. Which is why I am USING ALL CAPS TO MAKE FUN OF HIM. It's supposed to be funny.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series or characters, they all belong to J.K. Rowling.  
  
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"Revenge Gone Totally Wrong"  
  
*Chapter Two*  
  
"We're going to turn Malfoy gay," declared Hermione. Harry's mouth hung open.  
  
"You have got to be kidding me!" exclaimed Ron at Hermione a little too loudly. Hermione made him quiet down since everyone else in the common room was asleep.  
  
"Nope. I'm not kidding," she said, giggling.  
  
"Hermione Granger thought up of this...this brilliant and yet evil idea?!" Ron said in disbelief. Hermione beamed.  
  
"I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA, HERMIONE. BUT I STILL THINK MY IDEA OF SHIPPING MALFOY OFF FIRST-CLASS TO LORD VOL--," Harry stopped mid-sentence when Hermione and Ron clapped their ears shut.  
  
Ron jumped up and started pacing back and forth thoughtfully. "So how are we going to do it? We've only got tonight and tomorrow to really take action."  
  
"Exactly," Hermione said. "We're going to the library to find a potion just for Malfoy. Harry, we're going to need your cloak..."  
  
"WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET BACK AT THAT GIT."  
  
"Okay, excellent," Hermione continued. "Now, once we find the ingredients and directions we're going to have to brew the potion right here in the common room. We can put sound-repelling charms so no one will hear us and invisibility charms too although I'm not sure how long they can last."  
  
"And how are we going to make Malfoy drink the potion?" Ron asked curiously.  
  
"Easy," said Hermione. "Everyone knows Malfoy likes raisin pudding. We'll just slip it into his pudding during lunchtime right before detention."  
  
"RAISINS. I HATE RAISINS."  
  
~*~  
  
"We have to be very quiet," whispered Hermione who was squeezed under the Invisibility Cloak, glancing nervously up at Harry who gave her an unsatisfying wink. She was sure they were going to be done for if Harry opened his mouth, so just to be sure she put a low-volume charm on Harry's throat.  
  
The three of them scuffled down the corridors quietly, trying to make as little noise as possible. Until...  
  
Meow.  
  
"Filch's cat," Ron whispered. Mrs. Norris was gazing in their direction suspiciously, her tow red eyes like headlights searching for the slightest threat of danger.  
  
"Shhh!" hissed Hermione. "Don't move a muscle." The trio froze for what seemed like ages until finally Mrs. Norris went away, chasing a mouse around the corridor corner.  
  
"THAT WAS CLO--," Harry stopped when Hermione gave him a most frightening look. Apparently, the charm took time for it to start working.  
  
They hurried down the rest of the corridors turning corners sharply and finally arrived at the library. They slinked inside cautiously. Hermione held up a lantern to see all the titles of the books located in the Restricted Section.  
  
"Let's see...," she said quietly to herself. "How to Disappear...nah, Skip Homework Forever, DEFINITELY not...no Ron, you can't take that book! It's not good for you--I found it!" she said triumphantly. "How to Make Your Enemy Gay; how convenient," she said cheerfully. She wondered why a book like this would be in the library. Then again, the librarian wasn't all that normal...  
  
~*~  
  
Back in the common room the three of them carefully read the ingredients and instructions.  
  
"WHY THE BLOODY HELL DOES THE RECIPE CALL FOR RAISINS?" Harry bellowed. "I HATE RAISINS."  
  
"Hush up, Harry, before all of Gryffindor wakes up!" Ron said, glancing around occasionally, not trusting the charm Hermione put on the walls.  
  
"We should be able to get these ingredients easily," Hermione said. She read the ingredients one by one in her mind: "Raisins, hair sample of your enemy, doxy wings, kneazle fur, frozen Ashwinder eggs...they should be easy to get. . . ."  
  
"Okay, I need a volunteer to get a hair sample from Mal--," Hermione stopped mid-sentence. "Harry! What are you doing?" she gasped.  
  
Harry was wrestling with Crookshanks, grabbing his fur and tearing some out. The poor distressed kneazle hissed and scratched mercilessly at Harry.  
  
"Harry, stop!!" Hermione yelled frantically looking at Ron telling him to do something. Ron jumped up from his chair and rushed over to tear Crookshanks out of Harry's hands and delivered him to Hermione's lap.  
  
"THERE," Harry boomed with satisfaction, dusting himself off and lookin quite silly with scratches covering his arms. "WE ALREADY HAVE ONE OF THE INGREDIENTS. KNEAZLE FUR." Harry triumphantly dumped the fur into a plastic bag.  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes as she petted a very disturbed Crookshanks.  
  
"I think you should assign which of us gets which ingredients," Ron suggested, looking nervously over at Harry who was now searching behind the curtains for doxies.  
  
"Good idea, Ron," Hermione said taking out some parchment. She wrote the ingredients down carefully and split them up between the three of them, giving Harry what she thought were the easiest to find.  
  
"There," Hermione said, handing the piece of parchment to Ron. "Memorize the ingredients written beside your name and you'll be responsible to have them by tomorrow night."  
  
"Hey, why do I get the job of getting a piece of the filthy git's hair?" Ron demanded, slapping the parchment back down on the table.  
  
"I'LL DO IT," Harry said walking over with a pair of doxy wings in his hands. "I'LL DO ANYTHING TO GET BACK AT THAT BASTARD."  
  
"No, I'll do it," Hermione said wincing to hear the "B" word spoken so loudly. "Plus, I already have a plan on how to do it."  
  
Ron looked at her questioningly but Hermione ignored this.  
  
"Okay, so I'll trade you raisins for Malfoy's hair sample." Harry made a grimace at hearing the words "raisins" and "Malfoy" in the same sentence.  
  
"Deal," Ron said.  
  
"WHAT DO I HAVE TO FIND?" Harry asked, putting the doxy wings in a plastic bag.  
  
"Well, since you've already found two of the ingredients, all you have to find are some frozen Ashwinder eggs."  
  
"FINE," Harry said with a pout.  
  
"And Harry," Hermione said nervously, "remember they have to be frozen."  
  
Harry nodded and went over to the fireplace and poked it with his wand with anticipation, hoping that he would find an Ashwinder.  
  
Ron looked at the list again. "Hairspray? Where am I going to find hairspray?"  
  
"WELL, YOU COULD STEAL MALFOY'S FOR A START," Harry suggested. "THE BASTARD'S GOT ENOUGH HAIRSPRAY TO DROWN THE WHOLE DAMN SCHOOL."  
  
"No, we're not going to steal anything!" Hermione said, very frustrated with the two by now. "You can ask Lavender for some, Ron, she has it by the canfuls."  
  
Ron moaned. "But--,"  
  
"RON! I've already taken Malfoy's hair, so what more do you want?" Hermione snapped.  
  
"I think that's enough for tonight. Let's get some sleep," she said with a yawn as she put away all her things.  
  
"I STILL THINK I SHOULD GET MALFOY'S HAIR," Harry added hopefully.  
  
"No!" exclaimed Ron and Hermione at the same time. 


End file.
